Snake Fidelity
by leiaah
Summary: Lifestyle Beauty Salon receives two of the most unexpected guests, ever. Just why have these two walked into a place like this? It really isn't their scene. Oneshot, Voldemort & Orochimaru, crackfic.


**Title:** Snake Fidelity

**Style:** Oneshot, crackfic, crossover.

**Characters:** Voldemort, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

"Orochimaru-sama."

"Kabuto... come in," the raspy voice of Orochimaru sounded from within the bed chamber.

The young man walked in carrying a tray of several medications, they jingled as he walked up to his master. He set the tray on a table, and pulled out a paper from under one of the plates.

"Orochimaru-sama, I made some recent discoveries that I think would help you maintain a body longer," Kabuto gave the paper a quick read-through.

Orochimaru smiled and brought out his tongue to like his lips, "did you Kabuto? Enlighten me."

Kabuto bit his lower lip and adjusted his spectacles before speaking, "I've realised that every time you execute your _Fushi Tensei_, the skin stays pale and doesn't reassume it's original colour. With careful investigation, I've realised it is because the body stays dead. It doesn't decay but its tone and physical appearance is of a dead corpse."

Orochimaru listened intently. Any way to extend the life of his reincarnation would be extremely useful for him.

"Whilst you eat, and take medicine to keep the body you're occupying intact and alive-looking there's always little things that can extend it's life. Going back to what I said. The skin stays pale, and in order to maintain a strong body, I think staying in the sun to at least darken the skin would help in-"

"Kabuto," the man interrupted, "are you suggesting I start tanning?"

"Orochimaru-sama..." the young man pushed up his glasses to the bridge of his nose, "I've carried out experiments, and sun exposure makes the body gain Vitamin D that acts like a hormone in which the brain sends messages to the intestines to absorb more calcium... the calcium is also a substance that strengthens bones, and their growth... I... I figured since the bodies you occupy slowly deteriorate and become weaker, the small measure we can take to lengthen the period of the reincarnation can save a lot of trouble on m- your part, Orochimaru-sama."

Kabuto finished with a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face. He exhaled slowly as he watched his master actually contemplate the idea.

"Interesting..." was all he said.

**x**

A pale and snake-like man walked through an open field just outside the border of a forest. The sun was high and scorching the earth beneath it. The man was growing steadily annoyed with the heat, and the top of his head had been burning to no end. He brought up his hand to scratch his bald head, and moved to sit under a tree that provided shade. The man thought to himself in annoyance.

_This will not do, at all._

He held up his hand to stare at it and tutted under his breath.

_This accursed pale skin will not let me stand in the sun for longer than five minutes_.

Cold red eyes scanned the terrain, the sun's light was just strewn all over the grounds. Voldemort huffed in annoyance as he pulled the hood of his cloak over his head. It felt too hot, but he had to deal with it for now. He had important matters to attend to.

**x**

"I have your membership card, Orochimaru-sama."

Kabuto extended his hand and gave Orochimaru the glossy pink and yellow card, with the bold and cursive purple writing saying:

_Lifestyle Beauty Salon_

Orochimaru's brows furrowed as he held the card up to his eyes. He read the cursive purple writing against the yellow background and pink border.

_Name: Orochimaru_

_Membership no.: 329_

He flipped over the card and saw that flowers of every colour littered the bottom of the card, a perky little sun (with curvy sun rays) peeped from the top right corner of the card, in the middle was all the flashy writing against the background of a sunset. Orochimaru looked positively disgusted, but pocketed the card anyway.

"I'll be back in an hour or two. Have everything ready, I need to carry out some experiments on that corpse we had brought in yesterday. The one of the Fujikawa clan. I need to study their jutsu." Orochimaru ordered before stepping out of the lair.

**x**

"Hello darlin', how may I help you?" asked a secretary with heavy make up, long claw-like nails with neon pink polish on them.

The man looked at her with loathing, had she just called him _darling_? He winced at the sound of her obnoxious gum-chewing, and calmed himself before he answered.

"I need a locker, and a towel, and UV protection goggles," the man said in a cold voice devoid of any emotion.

The woman tore her gaze from her nails, and chewed her gum loudly giving the man a smile and collecting the things he needed.

"Here ya go darlin'. Men's changin' room's on the left down the hall," she smiled again, before sitting down and staring lovingly at her nails.

Voldemort walked down the hall passing a shop with dozens of beauty products aligning the window. He stopped before he had completely passed it, and peered through the open door. He walked into the shop and looked around. There was a stand of wigs and for some reason his legs moved him towards them.

He picked up a wig of long and straight, black hair and tried it on. Voldemort liked the way it felt and kept it on, he attempted to walk back out of the little shop and straight to the changing rooms, although a sharp clearing of the throat made him stop in his tracks.

"Excuse me, but you have to pay for that," a short woman with excessive make up told him.

"I'm a member," he stated coldly before leaving.

Simple, all he needed to tell her was just that, and the item would go straight to his tab. No problems there.

Voldemort walked right into the changing rooms, he looked at the keys, number 37. He made his way down aisles of lockers and found the one he wanted. Quickly he freed himself of his cloak, and wrapped a towel around his lower regions. He hung his cloak in the locker, and stuffed his wand at the waistline of the towel making sure it was secure.

Voldemort locked the locker door and walked out of the aisle of lockers.

Orochimaru made his way down the aisle of lockers and turned left at one of them but bumped into something. He stumbled back and looked ahead was himself.

_How stupid, I walked into a mirror._

He straightened himself, and so did his reflected image. He bent forward and scanned his face.

_I'm starting to look really ugly_. He brought his hand up to his right cheek, _I need to renew the Shuushagan no Jutsu_.

Voldemort stumbled back and looked ahead was himself. He straightened himself, and so did his reflected image. He bent forward and scanned his face.

_This wig doesn't look too bad_.

Voldemort brought up his left hand to his left cheek.

Both 'reflected' images straightned up again and smiled at their counterparts. Though, one of them brought up his hands to his chests and started to make hand seals. The other's eyes widened, and took a big step back pulling his wand out of the towels.

Both of them froze looking at each other in shock and disbelief.

"Who are you!" they ordered one another.

Both Voldemort and Orochimaru dropped their hands as their eyebrows lifted and surveyed the scene before them. The men circled each other menacingly killer intent rising with each scrutinising glare issued from either one.

"Is this some form of a joke? Looking like me?" Voldemort asked appalled. Never breaking eye contact.

"I could ask the same thing," Orochimaru said, licking his chin.

Both of them stopped circling each other and took one step backwards.

"I am the one they all fear. They do not even dare to speak my name, I am the Dark Lord, Voldemort."

The man basked in his own presence waiting for the man before him to realise his position and power. Although Orochimaru just stuck out his tongue swirling it around in the air before replying.

"And I am one of the Three Legendary Sannin, but the strongest of them. I am Lord Orochimaru."

Both men stared each other down. For what seemed like a long five minutes, in reality it was a few seconds. They both spoke up.

"I've never heard of you," they said in unison.

Both men's faces contorted to looks of outrage and deceipt. How could anyone not hear of the fearsome Voldemort! He Who Must Not Be Named, and by extent You Know Who. The man just shook his head in disbelief, he was the most feared human in the world. This was beyond his understanding.

How could anyone not even know of the Three Legendary Sannin! The man that had studied all kinds of Forbidden Jutsu and had succeeded in immortality by changing bodies! The S-ranked criminal. The Sannin! Who was this man before him not to hear of his greatness?

Both men glared at each other with utter loathing. Their hateful glares were soon broken by one of the members of staff walking in calling out for an 'Orochimaru-sama' and the 'Dark Lord' to follow him to their tanning rooms.

The staff member (whose body was so perfectly chisled, and his tan was a gorgeous cinnamon colour) stopped at a room marked twelve. Both villains glared at the man expecting to be called out.

"I'm afraid since we have so many clients today, you two will be taking one of the double tanning rooms," the man opened the door, and expected both men to follow.

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes, and was the first one to walk in, with Voldemort close behind. The room was small but comfortable. Two tanning beds were on either side of the room, and the wall in front of the door was really just a giant window over looking the beach outside. It was nice, calm, and very soothing. The walls were painted a soft green colour that gave a peaceful aura to these murderous men. Just above the tanning bed to the left was a shelf of many CDs of various musicians stacked neatly in several piles. The stereo was sitting on the window sill.

The door closed behind them, and both Orochimaru and Voldemort looked back over their shoulders to see that they were both left alone in the tanning room. Voldemort took a few steps towards the music collection and looked through them. He extended his pale hands and picked out:

_Soothing Sounds of the Seaside_

Voldemort took the CD and placed it in the stereo. Soon the room was filled with the gentle sounds of crashing waves, sea gulls, and an occasional breeze. It immediately calmed the tension in the room.

Orochimaru turned on his tanning bed, and set it to level two heat. As he waited for it to warm up, Orochimaru poured himself a glass of water from the cooler in the corner of the room. He drank deeply and threw the empty plastic cup in the bin. Orochimaru removed the towel, and opened up the tanning bed. He sat himself in it, grabbed his UV goggles, then closed the tanning bed on top of him. Heaving a greatly satisfied sigh.

Voldemort had looked at the dial of heat from the tanning bed. The dial was numbered one to eight. Looking at his pale complexion he figured a three would be the most he'd go for, so he set it to the said number. He also set a timer for half an hour before he too was situated inside the tanning bed.

For the first 10 minutes, it was quiet and soothing to both criminals. The sounds of the beach filled the room as they lay in their hot beds receiving their tan.

"_Kukukuku_," Orochimaru started to snicker.

"What is it you find so amusing?" Voldemort spat.

"I'm not sure I know how strong you are," Orochimaru said in an air of self-greatness.

"I am the most feared wizard in the world, in all of wizard history. I said that people do not even dare to speak my name."

"That still doesn't measure your greatness."

"I don't need to prove myself," Voldemort adjusted his UV goggles, and wiped his forehead from the sweat under the heat.

"I saw you carrying a wand. I don't need a wand," Orochimaru grinned.

"Can you kill people instantly without a wand?" Voldemort smiled as his most favourite spell came to mind, upon hearing silence he continued, "I thought not."

This had piqued Orochimaru's curiousity and after a moment he spoke up, "kill people instantly?"

Voldemort laughed his blood-curling laugh, "of course, two wonderful words, and I'll send my enemy straight to hell."

Orochimaru's brows furrowed, and he looked to his left, where he could just make out Voldemort through the slit of the tanning bed.

"What two words?"

"You'll need a wand for it to work," Voldemort turned to his right and could see Orochimaru looking straight at him through the slits.

"Where can I get one?"

Voldemort just smiled and looked away. At first he wondered how strong this man really was. But really, someone who didn't know the Killing Curse... how much of a threat would a person like that be? Voldemort laughed loudly to himself. How pathetic, really. The laughing though, didn't help Orochimaru. He felt even more annoyed with this man, and wanted to prove that he was stronger.

"I've achieved immortality," Orochimaru said simply.

"Immortality?" Voldemort was so caught off-guard that he almost had bumped his head with the jolt of interest.

"Yes... I simply transfer my soul to a young body."

Voldemort thought that maybe this wasn't such a great discovery. After all, it sounded a lot like his Horcruxes. But nevertheless, he had more up his sleeve.

"I can speak to snakes."

It was Orochimaru's turn to laugh, "so what? Most of my attacks use snakes, and I've got Manda. He's probably the biggest snake you'll ever see, and he's completely in my control."

Voldemort wondered how big this snake really was, "what do you mean your attacks use snakes?"

"I can summon them."

"Accio?"

"What?"

"Nevermind."

An awkward silence took over. Orochimaru's tanning bed chimed twice, and soon did Voldemort's. Both of them got out, slightly redder than before. A slight edge of curiousity was etched on their faces, behind the look of annoyance they were trying to keep up. They both reached for their towels, and Voldemort grabbed his wand off a table, and tucked it in the hem of the towel. Orochimaru not being able to resist anymore spoke up first:

"Show me your powers," he demanded simply.

Voldemort turned to him with eyebrows raised. If that's what he wanted...

**x**

The two men (in their towels) faced each other on the beauty salon's small beach. One was holding his wand, the other holding his hands to his chest.

"Show me this Manda creature!" Voldemort ordered, studying the hands of the opposing man.

Orochimaru laughed to himself before performing the needed hand-seals, biting his thumb and pressing his right hand to the ground.

"_Kuchiyose no Justu_."

A giant puff of smoke appeared englufing Orochimaru. As soon as the smoke dispersed a giant purple snake, at least fifty meters tall stood before Voldemort, whilst Orochimaru was happily standing on the bridge of the creature's nose.

"Orochimaru, why did you summon me to a beach?" the growling voice of the fearsome beast said.

"For show, Manda," Orochimaru stated, "you may leave now."

The snake crashed it's tail violently to the ground in anger, before it puffed away, and Orochimaru landed on his legs. Voldemort was impressed. He didn't show it, but he was impressed.

"Show me that thing you do to kill people," Orochimaru pointed at Voldemort, signalling his turn.

Voldemort looked around the beach, a couple were jogging down the shore, talking animatedly to each other. Voldemort shrugged and pointed his wand at them picking off the man.

"Avada Kedavra," he said sharply and a streak of green darted towards the unsuspecting man.

The curse hit him on the back, and he stumbled forward to the ground, dead. His companion stopped in her tracks, and looked over the the immobile body of her lover. She fell to her knees and started to call out her lover's name in horror. Her wails started to annoy Voldemort, seizing the chance to show off more of his power, he held up his wand, and uttered another curse.

"Crucio!"

The woman writhed in pain, screaming with horror, clutching the sand, flailing her body up and down, finally Voldemort grew bored with the whole ordeal, and killed her off instantly.

Voldemort turned back to Orochimaru, who was licking his lips in absolute delight. Orochimaru was impressed, and he was showing it.

Soon enough both men were challenging each other with their techniques, and demanded they showed off their power. Respect rising with each turn they took. Voldemort had manipulated the ocean next to him, he had also manipulated the sand beneath him to take form of various shapes. Voldemort pulled everything he had out of his wizard-arsenal and showed it all off to his best abilities.

Orochimaru, too, basked in the chance he had to show off his talents. He summoned dozens of snakes, turned the earth right over from under him. He also took control of the wind around him, and had also summoned a corpse to do his bidding.

After a long time of completely executing spells and jutsus the men ended their performances with evil grins on their faces, laughing together as if they had just bonded over a dinner and movie. The area around them hadn't taken the hit too well. The salon was in ruins, dead bodies were strewn all over the beach and under the debris and rubble that was the salon. All these people killed in cold blood... as you'd expect from an Evil Sannin, and a Dark Lord.

They both left the bomb-site talking animatedly about their techniques and how they discovered them, and how they had used them on the battle field. As they made their way out, Voldemort realised that their clothes must've been burried under the salon, so he simply used the summoning spell, 'Accio'.

The criminals were soon dressed and parted ways. Oh, they'd never forget this day. The day they met someone so alike the other, so powerful... so great.

**x**

"Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto greeted his master as he stepped through to the lab.

The man just smiled, a very uncharacteristic smile. Kabuto frowned to himself, and took the initiative.

"Had a good day?"

"Excellent, Kabuto," the man licked his left cheek as he put on gloves and walked over to the Fujikawa corpse.

The young man pushed his spectacles up the bridge of his nose, and handed over several medical tools to his master.

"Kabuto," the Sannin spoke up after half an hour of silence, "I need a new membership at another place."

"Oh, did the place not favour you?"

"Oh, it was fine, but I'm afraid it's all ruins now," Orochimaru said as he continued extracting chakra from the corpse.

"What happened? If I may ask?"

Orochimaru looked up to the young man, and licked his chin before replying, "I met someone very interesting."

**x**

Lucius Malfoy gulped heavily, as several beads of sweat rolled over the sides of his face, "Excuse me, Dark Lord... please don't take this the wrong way... b-but, if I may ask... Why are you... sir... wearing a wig?"

Voldemort had almost forgotten the thing was on. He laughed his shrill and horrifying laugh. Lucius was almost cowering in fear. Voldemort didn't answer though, he simply took off the wig and tossed it to the side of the drawing room.

**x**

A few days later, both Lord Voldemort and Orochimaru decided that they had better resume their tanning. The day they had met each other proved to be a failure. After having sat through an hour of tanning, they had stood outside in the sun for over two hours displaying their 'talents'. The extra hours had given them terrible sun burns, and they had come to a conclusion that they seriously needed to get darker skins so that they weren't so sensitive to the sun.

Little did Orochimaru and Voldemort know, that they would be meeting each other again... much sooner than they had expected. And little did Maggie's Tanning Paradise know that the place was going to be reduced to rubble.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I've had this idea for a while, just didn't know how to develop it. Buuuuut, I guess I did it! I really enjoyed writing this, hope you enjoyed reading it! Reviews ARE appreciated! :D Critiques are welcome!

**Translations:**

Fushi Tensei - Living Corpse Reincarnation

Shuushugan no Jutsu - Vanishing Facial Copy Technique (used to keep his original face)

Kukuku - Orochimaru's twisted laughing :/

Kuchiyose no Jutsu - Summoning Technique

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own Naruto. Not even the song _Avada Kedavra_. Did anyone notice that I used a line of it somewhere? xD


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